Only Human
by TheGirlWithAStory
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING! I suck at summaries, please take a look. Set in season 2 while Alex is coming out. She deals with her pain the only way she knows how, self destruction. Kara and Maggie feature in this story.
1. Cut

Alex Danvers ran her fingers over the cold, hard basin slowly staring at the reflection that once portrayed herself. Her face was normal, beautiful even, but her eyes held a terrible, heartbreaking secret that only she knew. She brought her right hand over to her left wrist slowly, her eyes closing as she cursed at herself in a low whisper.

"Stupid, stupid girl..". She bent down and opened the doors beneath the sink, searching for the tiny shiny piece of metal that brought her relief in one of the most complicated of ways. Peeling through the mixture of makeup and cleaning products she finally found what she was looking for hiding away in the back of the cupboard in a small zip-lock back.

Her shaving razor.

She slowly unclipped the bag, reaching into the bag and firmly grabbing hold of the handle before pulling it out of the bag. She grabbed the scissors from the bench and began cutting away at the razor until she had gained herself five tiny little metal blades.

It wasn't the first, hell it wasn't even the second time she had done this, but each time she still got that shiver when she picked up the silver blade, she pulled her black work slacks slowly before running her fingers over the tiny older cuts that she had made not even a week again.

She placed the blade against her thigh and quickly ripped it away, hissing at the immediate burn as crimson blood began to seep from the tiny wound she had inflicted on herself, she grinned sighing in relief before she did it again and again. There had to be at least 70 tiny and medium sized cuts over her thigh by the time she was done, she looked down for the first time and gasped, dropping the blade and grabbing a nearby wash cloth and holding it against her leg.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" She cursed, sitting down on the bathtub as she held as much pressure to her leg as possible, hoping that the bleeding would stop before she had to leave for work.

After almost 15 minutes she slowly peeled the blood stained wash cloth from her cuts and placed it under the cold running water. She shoved the blades away into the back of the cupboard before grabbing out the small first aid kid and closing the doors, she put butterfly stitches over the deeper cuts before layering on enough band aids she thought would last for the day. She stood up grabbing her leg instantly at the pain that arose, hissing again as she released her leg.

"Damn it Alex, when are you going to learn!" She said to herself before pulling up her pants and getting ready to leave for work.  
She just prayed that she could make it through the day without anybody noticing..

 **A/N: Okay, so this is the first fanfiction I have written in a while and the first I have written on this subject. I hope you all liked it and will give me a review**


	2. Authors Note

/. I will be updating this soon but being end of year school is super crazy!  
Ill have a new update done by at least christmas and maybe even another chapter done up with it:)  
I really like this story and hope you do to!  
THANK YOU! (Also lemme know if I should add Maggie into this or Alex's coming out being why shes hurting herself )

Love from GirlWithAStory


	3. Hit

~BACK STORY~  
Alex had started cutting after trying to be the perfect daughter, that was two years before Kara had turned up. She had hidden it well from Kara, not wanting her to think this is what normal humans do since she had come from another planet, but that didn't stop Kara was walking into the bathroom to find a crying bleeding Alex on the floor at just 15 years old, Alex was 17 years old by then and had tiny pale scars covering her thighs and a few hidden ones around the rest of her body from the years of slowly destroying herself, those were the ones she could pass off from accidents.

Seeing Alex so broken had caused a rift in young Kara for so long, she couldn't do anything but think about how hurt her sister must have been. After that night she had made a regular effort to do body checks on Alex, to help her gain back her confidence and to stop cutting.

~PRESENT DAY~

Slowly Alex walked into the DEO, her head hung low as she carried her bag in. She walked straight through to the training rooms, she knew it was late but she needed to hit something, and she did. She furiously hit the punching dummy. She was so angry at herself for letting her get so weak again, but she wasn't really angry at herself. No. She was angry at Maggie. For telling her to come out, to tell her sister who she was and then for Maggie to tell her they were "just friends" after she kissed her. She had felt so proud of herself to come out, just to feel low again. She punched the dummy harder, and harder until her knuckles began to bleed, at this point she could feel tears in her eyes but she couldn't stop. 

She wanted to scream, to yell, to do anything but all she did was cry and hit the bag over and over, until somebody grabbed her from behind and held her arms down. The dummy was now sprinkled in tiny specks of blood all over from Alex's hand and her thigh was burning from the sweat mixing over her earlier cuts. She tried wriggling free of whoever was holding her, she figured it would only be Kara who would of been game enough to grab her but when she looked down she didn't see Kara's arms, she seen Hanks. Immediately she stopped fighting and being too weak to stand she dropped, falling back into him and bursting into tears as he held her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She cried softly holding onto his forearm as her hugged her from behind.

"It's okay Alex, just breath, you'll be fine." Hank spoke in a deep but gentle voice, she had been like a daughter to him all the years they had worked together and he hated seeing anyone close to him hurt.

She began to calm down after a few minutes, and embarrassment began to sink in. She had just sat and cried into her boss's arms. She went to stand up but he must have read her mind because he was already standing and helping her up. He pulled her into another hug this time he brushed over her thigh cuts and she winced, grabbing her leg.

"Alex are you okay?"  
"Yeah I'm fine, just sore." She spoke softly, beginning to feel the pain on her knuckles and the burning in her leg.  
"Why don't you take the day off? Go home and rest, you look exhausted."

Alex was going to fight him on it but when she raised her head tears came back into her eyes and she just nodded. "Okay, thank you." She spoke quietly, quieter than she ever had before to him before slipping past him and heading back outside into the main hall. She looked up slightly to see Winn and James looking at her hand her puffy face and swollen hands, before she slipped out the door just in time to miss her sister but not for her sister to miss her.

"Where is she going?" Kara asked as she landed, standing in her signature Supergirl pose. Winn and James just shrugged awkwardly and turned around, trying to busy themselves so they didn't have to talk about what they had seen through the security camera feeds. Kara turned around to look at J'onn, he had a worried look on his face as he approached Supergirl.

"Alex has headed home. Why is something you'll have to discuss with her." And with that J'onn was gone, leaving a stunned Kara with a worrying feeling growing in the pit of her stomach as she flew off once again, going to change into Kara.

/. I'm not really sure what I'm doing with this story yet but I hope you all like it!  
Please give me some feedback and let me know what you'd like to see in this story!


	4. Sisters

Walking through the door she slammed it, hard. How could you do this Alex! Her mind was running a mile a minute, she could barely breath. I need a drink. She said to herself, already reaching for her unopened bottle of whisky, along with a glass. She sat back on the couch and poured herself a glass. Straight down it went, she poured herself another, and another, and another. You're worthless Alex, you are nothing. She repeated to herself.

"Damn it!" She cried, slamming her glass down against the table, as she placed her head in her hands.

Why isn't it working!? Usually it only takes her a few mouthfuls of hard whisky to numb the pain but it wasn't working, not tonight. She knew she needed something stronger but after todays incident she knew she couldn't risk it, so she poured herself another drink.

As the sun set and the moon rose, the bottle began to empty, quicker and quicker. Her face was puffy and she was angry again, angry at Maggie for rejecting her, angry at J'onn for sending her home, and angry at herself...for being gay. She poured herself another drink and sat back, when all of a sudden there was a knock at the door. She let out a steady breath, lowing her hand as it went to bring her another sip of whisky. Go away. Please, just leave me alone to die.

"Alex. Alex, I can see you in there let me in please." Alex heard her sister speak, she could sense the worry in her voice but she didn't want to believe anyone cared.  
"Go away, Kara." Her voice unsteady as she speaks she looks around, trying her hardest to hold in the tears as she looks into the glass, seeing no future in it. She winces when she hears the swoosh of her sister flying, angry as she feels the cool breeze come through the window.

"Whats going on?" She hears Kara say, feeling the walls slowly crumble down at the look of her concerned baby sister.  
"Nothing, nothings going on, you shouldn't have come over here." Alex replies, using her wrist to swirl the glass as she watches Kara, bring the glass up to her lips again, but quickly lowering it as Kara speaks.  
"Well you didn't show up for work and that's not like you so I got worried."

Oh and you know what's like me do you? Funny you don't know that I cut myself every fucking day. Alex wants to say, but instead she places her glass down and stands. "You're right, I should-ah, I should go in."  
"Wait." I don't have time to wait Kara. "Wait, something is CLEARLY wrong. "

Alex pulls the back of her shirt down, trying her best to muster up some control. "Everything is fine." She says, pathetically as the tears return she turns away, walking behind the couch, needing some distance.  
"Is this about you coming out?" Her words burn, hitting a sore spot in Alex's heart.  
"No!" Alex turns, her hand coming up to stop Kara from speaking. "And just, forget I said anything about it okay? Just forget it." She wishes she could take her words back, that she could just feel okay and hide herself back in the closet, away from the pain of coming out. Because she could handle the hiding and the sleeping with men and lying to herself, if it meant that she could look strong, feel strong.

"Why?" Kara asks, confused. "What does that mean?"  
And now she's yelling, yelling at the one person she loves because she is hurt, and she is broken. "It means that I made a mistake. I was wrong! And I shouldn't have said anything I should've just kept my-" And her voice breaks, she lowers her head and starts passing, not wanting her sister to see her as weak. "My mouth shut."  
But Kara understands her, understands the way that Alex works, so she pushes and that's when she realizes. "What happened?"  
And Alex stops passing, and she huffs. Barely being able to, she looks over at Kara with broken, tearful eyes and begins to speak. "She doesn't like me-" And her voice breaks again, her hand comes up, as if trying to force herself to stop and to keep going at the same time. "-Like that."  
And Karas face says it all, it breaks for her and it throws Alex over the edge as her tears fall ever so slowly, she walks over to the couch where she is joined by Kara. Alex stares at her hands as Kara's hands brace her back, resting her chin upon her older sister's shoulder. "Come here."  
And Alex's walls begin to crash down, one by one at the touch of her sister. "I feel so-so hu-humilitated." She whispers, her voice cracking as she breaks her hand covering her face in shame.  
"No, no, I'm proud of you." Kara's words cause her to break harder, she pulls her sister close by the elbow, beginning to hyperventilate as she cries. 


	5. Words hurt too

Today was a good day. One of the best she had had in a while. She was surrounded by friends, laughing. Alex hadn't felt the over powering sadness that she had succumb to over the past few weeks, she was laughing again and smiling again. Kara had come to her house every night since the incident, always bringing pot stickers and making sure the alcohol was hidden.

She was taking a drink when she heard it, the voice who broke her heart, that beautiful angelic sound calling her name. "Danvers," Everyone turned, looking to find Maggie. "Hey, it's been a hot minute. How are you?" How could she smile like that? At me? As if nothing had happened. Alex thought as stood up to greet her, that familiar pain returning like the cold breeze on the first day of winter.

"Yeah good, good yeah." Alex stumbled over her words, she didn't want the boys to get suspicious over her acting weird but how could she not?

"Um, everyone this is Maggie. Maggie this is everyone, James, Winn and…" Alex paused, for no longer than a second, Maggie hadn't met Kara yet, just Supergirl. And Kara was the person who held Alex when she cried, when she confessed her feelings over Maggie, when her heart broke over Maggie. How could she introduce her to someone who already wielded such strong feelings over her? Nonetheless, she did it, her eyes anywhere but the name she spoke or spoke them to.

"Kara."

Alex looked up for the first time since introducing her to everyone, watching recognition wash over Maggie's face.

"Oh, the sister?"

"Yep."

"I've heard so much about you from Alex!" Maggie said excitedly, her hand coming up to rest on Kara's arm for just a moment, before it dropped back to her side.

"And I have heard all about you." Kara stated rather sarcastically, and Alex could tell, that although she held a smile, her eyes spoke a different story, one that wanted Maggie to know that she had hurt her sister but thankfully her mouth remained closed.

Maggie awkwardly turned back to Alex at that point, looking at her hopefully. "Umm, Can I borrow you a minute?" She asked, her dimples on full display as she smield. Her heart was pounding, and she released a shaky breath.

"Yeah." Her chest tightened, she could hear Maggie speaking but all she heard was the thumping of her own heart as she followed her over to another table.

"So, you haven't returned any of my calls, I've been worried." Maggies smile was gone now, she looked worried, her eyes held a hint of sadness. Alex had missed hanging out with Maggie, it was like she could breath around her. But now, all she felt was betrayal. And her heart began to crack.

"Yeah well, I've been working." Alex could do this, right? Crack, be friends? Another crack.

"Right, there must have been a lot of rouge aliens at large."

"There always are." She replied, her face in a tight smile. How could someone she has known for so little time have such a great impact on her life? She didn't want to be mean to Maggie, it just hurt to be nice.

"Listen, I just wanted to make sure everything is okay, with us. Because last time we saw each other things going a little, well, complicated."

Alex felt her anger bubble slightly, she wasn't angry at Maggie, just the situation. How could she think someone like Maggie would want her anyways? She had to many scars, both physical and emotional. She took a breath, trying to reply coolly. "I thought things were pretty straight forward. I'm fresh off the boat, that's not your thing. Its no big deal."

"Okay, I like you Alex, it's just the situation." Maggie smiled again, just hoping that Alex would smile back, give any indication that she was okay. "It's just the situation, It's nothing personal. "

"I didn't think it was." Alex nodded slightly, knowing that Maggie was telling the truth, she felt her heart mend just that tiny bit, or at least did, until Maggie spoke again.

"Okay good, still friends?" It was innocent, she could tell. Maggie wasn't trying to hurt her, she was looking for reassurance, the same that Alex had been searching for just by looking at her. Yet, those words stung, more than any cut ever would.

"Of course." Because Alex didn't want to be friends, she wanted to kiss Maggie and to hold her hand, she wanted to hug her and tell her how amazing she was. But Maggie didn't want her, she wasn't good enough. And so she walked away, away from the pain, from once again not being good enough. And that night she drank, she drank for all the men who had used her, she drank for all the times her mother called her a disappointment, she drank for all the times she failed Kara, and she drank for all the times she failed herself.

/ Wow, its been a hot minute! I don't really know where this story is going? I miss writing and I hope this is okay for my first chapter back in a long while!  
Please give me suggestions where you want this story to go! I'm always happy with a review.


	6. I need you

When the door slammed shut that night Alex had only one thing on her mind, it was the same thing she thought everyday coming home after a particularly bad day. She headed straight for the bathroom, discarding her pants, shirt and jacket in the process. She wanted to feel something, she had felt numb since walking away from Maggie at the bar. Kara had noticed, that light leave her eyes when she sat back down after asking her if she was okay. The boys had noticed too, they had tried to get her to talk about work, play pool, but she was to lost in her mind, so she had excused herself and went home.

Alex entered the bathroom and began the search for her razor, this one new and still wrapped in the thin packet. She tore it open and turned from the mirror, she raised her leg up onto the bath tub and went to make her first cut when she paused, she needed this, but her thigh was already scarred and covered in pink scabs from her last hack at herself. She ran her fingers over her thigh, over each cut and scar.

"Damn it Alex, what are you doing to yourself?" She whispered softly. She wanted to stop herself, to call Kara and ask for help, but her the voice in the back of her mind spoke louder than her common sense, telling her she needed to do this, that she deserved it. She sat on the edge of the bath tub and instead of placing the thin metal blade on her thigh, she brought the blade up to her wrist

 _Slice_

She winces and releases the breath she didn't realize she had been holding, watching as the blood dripped down. _You're still alive Alex._ She blinked suddenly, snapping out of her haze and grabbing a clean cloth and holding it against her wrist. She felt a drop of water hit her leg, she looked up into the mirror, when had she started crying?

Alex stood slowly, still holding the pressure of the cloth on her arm. She no longer felt numb, there was a slight ringing in her ears and stinging in her wrist. She slowly peeled the cloth back to look at the cut, it was the worst she had done since her adolescence, she can see little bits of white tissue pooling with the blood.

She grabbed her phone from her jacket pocket, hesitating for a moment before typing in the number she knew by heart. Her hands began to shake as she raised the phone to her ear, waiting for the person on the other end to pick up.

"Alex?" Alex's little sister Kara answered, jokingly. "You miss me already? I only dropped you off an hour again."

"Kara…" Alex broke out into a sob, dropping to the tiled ground and crying into the phone. She could hear Kara's voice switch from joking to worried and serious. Hearing a faint _"I'm on my way"._

She regretted calling almost instantly, she didn't want to worry Kara. They were opposites really, but Kara was her best friend. They had done everything together since Kara had landed on earth, from bad to worse, they had each others backs. And right now, she needed her. 

It took Kara all of two minutes to be banging on Alex apartment door, she was about to knock it down just as Alex opened it, her eyes trained at the floor. "I can't do this by myself, Kara." Alex whispered softly, her chest felt heavy and her breathing sped up, she had been getting panic attacks since she was 15 but this one took the cake.

"Hey, you don't have to, I meant what I said Alex, I'm proud of you." And with that she was engulfed in a warm hug, which of course only made her cry hard. They shuffled over to the couch, so they could sit, Kara only now registering that there was a cloth wrapped around Alex's wrist which had previously been hidden by the door. 

Alex could see Kara's eye fill with tears and in return, so did her own. She sighed softly, bring her hands up to wipe her face, unsure of what to say or do next.

"Let me see Alex."

"Kara..."

"No Alex, I want to see. Please." And Alex almost said no, except for the desperation in Kara's eyes. She held her arm out, not daring to move anymore incase she broke again. She looked away over her own shoulder, trying and failing to keep the tears at bay as Kara unwrapped her arm. 

"Oh Alex." Kara gasped, hand flying up to her mouth as she looked at her sister and began to cry. "What did you do sweet girl?" It wasn't a question per say, because she knew what she had done, she had taken a blade and she had cut herself.

"I'm sorry Kara! I'm so sorry." Alex heaved, her shoulders shaking as she cried. Alex looked up at her sister who had finished wrapping her arm back up, her eyes not holding the same sunshine they had earlier that night.

"No Alex, I'm sorry. I should have been here, I knew you weren't okay." Kara said pulling Alex practically into her lap and hugging her close, the same way Alex had done for her many times when she had first arrived on earth. Kara rocked her back and forth, singing softly to try and calm Alex. Only stopping once she heard Alex's breath even out and her heart beat steady. 

Alex was finally at peace, she was asleep.

/. I know. Two chapters in two days! What's wrong with me!? I don't even know if this is any good! I just needed to write. Like always, please give feedback or even a suggestion


End file.
